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April 2010
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Review for Eye of Raven
Author: Pararae
Reviewer: th1rd3ye @ Dark Side
Title: -/10
Judged before.
Foreword: -/10
Judged before.
Appearance: -/10
Judged before.
Plot: -15/15
I love the plot. As the story unfolds, I am getting more captivated. This is good! All the interactions between the characters are interesting, though not lively, but they are cool!
Flow: -10/10
Perfect! I love it!
Originality: -10/10
Same comment as plot; since the plot an author uses will reveal his or her originality.
Spelling/Grammar/Punctuation/Vocabulary: -7/10
I think you made more mistakes this time round. It seemed that these were typed in a rush. Vocabulary was still good and sentence structures used were varied. Usage of tenses and singular and/or plural forms of words needs to be better taken care of. Examples of errors include:
[1] How can she act like nothing happened when she just lost the most valuable person in her life? – Since this is part of a flashback, I think you should use past tense. “How could…?”
[2] Trying to create a thick barrier between his partner and herself, Raven ignores the sighing man and tries to get the solitude back in its place, but Conrad refuses to give her any time. – I think you meant “…her partner and herself…”
[3] After what happen earlier, how can she trust him to not spike her drink with anything? – Since the happening was in the “earlier” which is the past, you can use the present participle form, since your story is in present tense form. This will be better - “After what has happened earlier…?”
[4] Danielle knit her brows at Conrad, she seriously not up for sarcastic crack now. – I think you missed out a word “is” before the word “seriously”. Thus, the sentence sounds a little incoherent.
[5] Raven glares at the shock girl who suddenly lift her head up just to see whether it’s really Raven who’s talking. Raven in the other hand, just licks her tongue at how fragile this talk is after earning a glare from Conrad. Accepting how the trump card has flip its pose, a sense of retaliate build up, creating a luminescence of fiery tumult inside the once innocent girl. – There are a few mistakes. Firstly, it should be “the shocked girl”. Secondly, since it is only one girl, it should be “lifts her head…” Thirdly, it should be “on the other hand…” Lastly, it should be “has flipped” since you are using present participle form and not the present tense.
[6] As much as ‘princess’ sound more like a sarcastic remark, Danielle’s eyes are permanently glue to the bottle to even catch the hint of teasing in his voice. – It should be “permanently glued…”
[7] Raven runs off to the driver and prepares to see a dead body, but what she see surprise her to her core. – Since Raven is one person, singular form of the verb should be used – “sees”. In addition, since she is only prepared to see something, I think you should use “surprises”.
[8] … but she guess, both of them fail. – Same thing. It should be “she guesses…”
[9] The girl distract Raven from her other companions and earn only a nod from the leader, but no word of appreciation or congratulation come from Raven’s lips. – Similar error. It should be “The girl distracts…earns…”
[10] …to the point that his trust, respect and expectation for the knowledge she possess and capability of her completing this mission is high. – Same error. “…she possesses…”
Characterization: -10/10
Raven’s personality up till now is the most prominent. Her aloof and indifferent sides are really portrayed remarkably. Even the way she talks and acts and walks in the story… Well done! Also, even the minors’ personalities are shown clearly and not just superficially, such as her assistant’s personality (how she works so efficiently, yearning for praises from her superior and her respect for the hierarchy…) I also like how you portrayed the different sides of the girl, Danielle, acting tough but actually not that tough. (Haha) I did not minus any mark since I think the other characters working in the dark cannot have explicit characterisation, not yet. You are superb at this!
Writing Style: -9.5/10
I love it totally! You are like one of the very few writers who really describes so very vividly! In this way, the scenes and actions are easily imagined! Reading the story becomes very intriguing and exciting! Plus, you used many adjectives and adverbs! The narration of the story was smooth too! Dialogues peppered aided the flow of story. However, I tend to get a little confused as there are many foreign names… Maybe you can try to put in more breaks?
Overall Enjoyment: -5/5
Bonus: -5/5
I am captivated by Raven and your writing. Brilliant work, bestie! =D YOU ARE THE HIGHEST SCORER EVER! =D
Total: -71.5/75