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April 2010
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Revie for But No R
Story: But No R
Author: Susan Lee :]
Reviewer: th1rd3ye @ Dark Side
Title: -10/10
The title is brilliantly interesting! It is unique and will make readers feel curious to what your story will be about.
Foreword: -7/10
Your foreword is too short. Though you did include a summary and the characters with their background information, the foreword is not that enthralling. I think you can write a little longer, or reveal minimum interactions between the two characters, or name some examples of the weird, new things that Yesung tried, or include significant quotes said by the characters. Do work harder!
Appearance: -8.5/10
The poster is pretty and the font colour suits the background. However, since the background is another repeated image of the poster, I think it is a little boring.
Plot: -12/15
This plot of yours is simple but yet sweet and endearing. I have heard of the phrase before and read some stories using it too. However, you did have your own way of developing events and scenes which are not the typical dramatic scenes. Good job!
Flow: -9.5/10
Almost perfect! I just wished you could slow down a little to add in more details and elaborations.
Originality: -9/10
Same comment as plot; since the plot an author uses will reveal his or her originality.
Spelling/Grammar/Punctuation/Vocabulary: -6.5/10
I would say that punctuation is your greatest weakness. As for grammar, it was relatively alright, some occasional jumps in usage of tenses. Vocabulary used was simple but effective and direct. You can definitely try to use more sophisticated verbs and phrases to heighten the imagery and descriptions. Do strive on. Examples of errors include:
[1] "So, I hope you remembered that my birthdays in 2 days!" (Chapter 1) – It should be “my birthday is in two days!” or you can “’s”. There should only be one birthday.
[2] Wow, your not loud... (Chapter 1) – It should be “you’re” and not “your”. This is about Yesung being loud and not something in Yesung’s possession.
[3] That's how we became besties... (Chapter 1) – It should be “That was…” since you are referring to the past. You have been using past tense in the story too, so you should stick to it consistently.
[4] Whose nervous? (Chapter 1) – It should be “Who’s nervous?”- This is so as you are referring to someone being nervous.
[5] The sunset looked so pretty and I noticed that soon, it'll be 1 day from my best friend's birthday. (Chapter 1) – As I have mentioned earlier, you had used past tense throughout your story. Thus, it is only right and proper that you use past tense consistently. It should be “…it’d be…”
[6] WHERE'S HER PARENTS?! (Chapter 2) – Parents are plural, thus, you should have written “WHERE ARE HER PARENTS?!”
[7] He extended his hand in front of me and turned, motioning and he's going to take me somewhere. (Chapter 5) – Firstly, you should use past tense. Secondly, I think this sentence sounded a little weird. It should be “…motioning that he was going to take me somewhere.” The conjunction “and” is used to link two actions together. However, in this case, motioning meant gesturing. It would not make sense that he was doing gestures and holding you to somewhere at the same time.
Characterization: -7/10
Characterisation was pretty okay. For Yesung, his personality is revealed quite well. However, for Yoobin, her character is not that well-developed. I feel like I don’t really know her even after reading the story. There was no distinctive characteristic of her being shown. Only her memories and interactions with Yesung were prominent. Try to use more reactions, actions, speech verbs and also adjectives to improve. Strive on!
Writing Style: -8.5/10
The writing style of yours is easy to comprehend. The changes in points of views are clear. Your paragraphing was fine too. What I would like is that you can include more descriptions and details in your story, to make it more colourful and imaginable.
Overall Enjoyment: -4.5/5
Bonus: -5/5
Thanks for requesting from our site! I am a fan of Super Junior! =]
Total: -87.5/105