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April 2010
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Review for Eye of Raven
Author: Pararae
Reviewer: th1rd3ye @ Dark Side
Title: -/10
Judged before.
Foreword: -/10
Judged before.
Appearance: -/10
Judged before.
Plot: -15/15
I love the plot. As the story unfolds, I am getting more captivated. This is good! All the interactions between the characters are interesting, though not lively, but they are cool!
Flow: -10/10
Perfect! I love it!
Originality: -10/10
Same comment as plot; since the plot an author uses will reveal his or her originality.
Spelling/Grammar/Punctuation/Vocabulary: -7/10
I think you made more mistakes this time round. It seemed that these were typed in a rush. Vocabulary was still good and sentence structures used were varied. Usage of tenses and singular and/or plural forms of words needs to be better taken care of. Examples of errors include:
[1] How can she act like nothing happened when she just lost the most valuable person in her life? – Since this is part of a flashback, I think you should use past tense. “How could…?”
[2] Trying to create a thick barrier between his partner and herself, Raven ignores the sighing man and tries to get the solitude back in its place, but Conrad refuses to give her any time. – I think you meant “…her partner and herself…”
[3] After what happen earlier, how can she trust him to not spike her drink with anything? – Since the happening was in the “earlier” which is the past, you can use the present participle form, since your story is in present tense form. This will be better - “After what has happened earlier…?”
[4] Danielle knit her brows at Conrad, she seriously not up for sarcastic crack now. – I think you missed out a word “is” before the word “seriously”. Thus, the sentence sounds a little incoherent.
[5] Raven glares at the shock girl who suddenly lift her head up just to see whether it’s really Raven who’s talking. Raven in the other hand, just licks her tongue at how fragile this talk is after earning a glare from Conrad. Accepting how the trump card has flip its pose, a sense of retaliate build up, creating a luminescence of fiery tumult inside the once innocent girl. – There are a few mistakes. Firstly, it should be “the shocked girl”. Secondly, since it is only one girl, it should be “lifts her head…” Thirdly, it should be “on the other hand…” Lastly, it should be “has flipped” since you are using present participle form and not the present tense.
[6] As much as ‘princess’ sound more like a sarcastic remark, Danielle’s eyes are permanently glue to the bottle to even catch the hint of teasing in his voice. – It should be “permanently glued…”
[7] Raven runs off to the driver and prepares to see a dead body, but what she see surprise her to her core. – Since Raven is one person, singular form of the verb should be used – “sees”. In addition, since she is only prepared to see something, I think you should use “surprises”.
[8] … but she guess, both of them fail. – Same thing. It should be “she guesses…”
[9] The girl distract Raven from her other companions and earn only a nod from the leader, but no word of appreciation or congratulation come from Raven’s lips. – Similar error. It should be “The girl distracts…earns…”
[10] …to the point that his trust, respect and expectation for the knowledge she possess and capability of her completing this mission is high. – Same error. “…she possesses…”
Characterization: -10/10
Raven’s personality up till now is the most prominent. Her aloof and indifferent sides are really portrayed remarkably. Even the way she talks and acts and walks in the story… Well done! Also, even the minors’ personalities are shown clearly and not just superficially, such as her assistant’s personality (how she works so efficiently, yearning for praises from her superior and her respect for the hierarchy…) I also like how you portrayed the different sides of the girl, Danielle, acting tough but actually not that tough. (Haha) I did not minus any mark since I think the other characters working in the dark cannot have explicit characterisation, not yet. You are superb at this!
Writing Style: -9.5/10
I love it totally! You are like one of the very few writers who really describes so very vividly! In this way, the scenes and actions are easily imagined! Reading the story becomes very intriguing and exciting! Plus, you used many adjectives and adverbs! The narration of the story was smooth too! Dialogues peppered aided the flow of story. However, I tend to get a little confused as there are many foreign names… Maybe you can try to put in more breaks?
Overall Enjoyment: -5/5
Bonus: -5/5
I am captivated by Raven and your writing. Brilliant work, bestie! =D YOU ARE THE HIGHEST SCORER EVER! =D
Total: -71.5/75
Review for Just Another Cinderella Story
Title: Just Another Cinderella Story
Author: grapestrawberry
Review by: xiaoxi
@ http://darkside-jj.blogspot.com
Title: 8/10
As the title suggest, this is yet another typical Cinderella story. However, there was a twist to it - the Cinderella searching for the Prince instead of the Prince searching for her.
Foreword: 3/10
I do not like it when authors feed the storyline to the readers. There should be an excerpt of the most exciting portion of the fan fiction at least. Excerpts and foreword help lure in readers who are interested in the fan fiction. By telling the storyline, people can more or less predict the story even before you start with Chapter One. Thankfully you only touched briefly on the storyline and have not revealed any other information that might’ve been a spoiler.
Appearance: 6/10
I wonder why Junsu wasn’t placed on the poster as like how he was in the background? I would prefer to have it coordinated - either Junsu is on both poster and background, or he is not placed there at all. Also, the font is a little stressful on the eyes against your background. You might want to try darker colours.
Plot: 13/15
Although the whole ‘Cinderella’ thing was a little cliché, it was made slightly more interesting with Sun Yee searching for the Prince. There’s only one word to describe the interactions between Sun Yee and Jaejoong - sweet.
Flow: 7/10
Pace was a little quick at times, but overall it was okay.
Originality: 7/10
As I’ve mentioned, the plot is rather cliché, but you had added your own twist to it.
Spelling/Grammar/Punctuation/Vocabulary: 7/10
I would appreciate it if you had typed your words in full instead of using of using contractual forms. It would make your writing seem much more professional.
Also, you might like to add a list of commonly used Korean words and its English translation somewhere in your fan fiction, be it at the end of each chapter or in your foreword. Although I personally have no trouble reading it, placing a translation list would help others who might not know what is “oppa”, “gomahwo”, “omo” and so on.
Just something that I noticed in Chapter One. Numbers below ten should always be typed out in full instead of just placing a ‘6’ there.
You had:
“The party’s not until 6 in the evening.”
And in Chapter Two, you had “He’s really going here”. It should be “He’s really coming here”.
However, I would like to suggest, “He is indeed coming my way.”
As for the chapters you rushed and apologized for mistakes, you can always go back to edit them out. I kept a closed eye since I could tell you’re a much better writer than that in certain chapters.
Characterization: 8/10
I totally understood their characters, except sometimes I have this feeling that there’s something missing from Jaejoong. Maybe it was because he has been mysterious from the start.
Writing Style: 7/10
Your writing style is simple and easy to comprehend.
Overall Enjoyment: 3/5
Bonus: 3/5
I like authors who interact with readers (:
Total: 72/105
Reviewer’s note:
Thanks for choosing me as your reviewer! I’m sorry for taking so long on this review. I might have been a little harsh in this review, but I do understand I would like perfection for everyone’s writing, not just my own writing.
By the way, I’ve heard soju does not actually get the person drunk. It’s just a scorching feeling down the throat, but you won’t get drunk from it. But yeah, I just took it that Sun Yee got conked out by soju since I’m not exactly 100% certain myself.
Good luck and thanks for requesting!
Xiaoxi, loves
Review for [A][B][C]
Fanfic Title: [A][B][C]
Author: th1rd3ye
Review by: xiaoxi
@ http://darkside-jj.blogspot.com
Title: 10/10
At first glance I thought it was a random title (there are too many random titles floating around nowadays). After reading I thought it was indeed the perfect title for this fan fiction. Thumbs up!
Foreword: 5/10
From your foreword, I could not make anything out of the fan fiction. There were not even excerpts to lure readers in. The only details provided were some information such as genre and length of your fan fiction and information on the characters. A good author should slowly reveal the personality of the character instead of just feeding it to the audience like you did. The readers should be able to understand the characters by themselves.
Even in a book, you won’t find introductions such as this:
- Choi Jung Hoon (F.T. Island)
Labelled as the Prince Charming, he was handsome and popular among the female students.
He was always deemed to be perfect with Jung Eun.
Appearance: 6/10
For your background image it was .A.B.C.M.O. instead of your title [A][B][C]. I feel it would be better if it were coordinated. Such as changing your title to [A][B][C][M][O] and the quote on your poster would do the explanations - after [A][B][C], you have to [M][O]. Move On.
I personally thought the background colour is too bright on the eyes and it also takes away some of the ‘attractiveness’ from the poster. Both the poster and background is so bright, which do I focus on?
Plot: 15/15
There’s only one word to describe - sweet. I thoroughly enjoyed the fan fiction.
Flow: 9.5/10
The flow was smooth all along, until I got the shock out of my life when there was applause in Chapter Two. For a second I thought Jung Hoon was making a fool out of Won Yeon. You sure got me there!
However, the ending seemed too abrupt. How could Won Yeon forget all about Jung Hoon so easily? Although she knew she has to move on, how could she so easily let go and just started eating?
Originality: 8.5/10
The plot was fairly creative and original.
Spelling/Grammar/Punctuation/Vocabulary: 9/10
I managed to catch only a few specks of mistakes as I was reading; therefore it did not really inconvenience me greatly in my reading experience. However there is a sentence from Chapter One that I would like to point out:
“I had always thought that that someone was someone from Jung Eun’s gang, watching me and my every move.”
I believe this is just a typo mistake, and that you know this sentence is incoherent. Just take note when you’re typing next time!
In Chapter Two, Jung Hoon was stopping Jung Eun from her unreasonable behaviors towards Won Yeon and he said, “I love Han Ji Yeon!” Are you getting confused with some other fan fiction you’re writing? Or does Won Yeon have two names?
Characterization: -
I honestly have no idea on how to rate on this area, since half of your fan fiction is wrote based on the play ‘A Modern Fairytale’. It seemed unfair to ignore the characteristics built from the beginning until the end of the play and rate based solely on the later half of the fan fiction, but it didn’t seem right to include the characteristics since it was just a play. As such, I took out this section. You’ll find that 10 marks will be deducted off the overall score (the usual score being 105).
Writing Style: 10/10
Your writing style is clear and easy to comprehend.
Overall Enjoyment: 5/5
Bonus: 3/5
I like authors who interact with readers (:
Total: 81/95
Reviewer’s note:
Thanks for choosing me as your reviewer! I’m sorry for taking so long on this review. This is one rare work that is worth the time reading!
Good luck and thanks for requesting!
Xiaoxi, loves.
Review for Love in School
Story: Love in School
Author: lovely_smile
Reviewer: th1rd3ye @ Dark Side
Title: -5/10
Your title is too simple and rather common and perhaps even too revealing. The title sounds too typical. Thus, most likely, readers will feel and assume that the story will be those common dramatic fairy-like stories. Do try harder!
Foreword: -6/10
For your efforts in trying, I decided to give you a higher score. I wanted to give a lower score due to lack of enthralling details in the foreword. No doubt, you hand provided a brilliant introduction for all the main characters. I love the way you present them briefly but yet fully somehow. This is good! However, to make a foreword more interesting, you need more than that. For example, you lack a short and concise summary of the story’s plot itself. In addition, you can include sneak previews or significant quotes said by characters in the story later, with or without revealing the characters’ names. These will pique interest in your readers, tempting them to continue reading. Do strive on!
Appearance: -10/10
The overall appearance of the whole blog was organized, simple, and sweet and portrays loveliness and romance. I am so glad that you did not use a messy background with hearts or patterns. Words are clear on the page. Good job for this!
Plot: -9.5/15
The overall plot was still the common dramatic plot about love and friends. It is still quite a cliché plot, with several developments too typical in the rampant love stories all around the net. However, what I like about your story is you write it your own style and way, with a rather steady pace, with the lively characters. The interactions between the characters are frequent and add on to the bubbly atmosphere of the whole story.
Flow: -8.5/10
I find it a little slow from the start since a lot of introduction was done slowly, step by step. However, all these help in building up the portrayals of their characters. The events happening are also developing rather slowly. I guess you can speed things up a little. Nonetheless, the lengths of your chapters are consistent which aids in maintaining a steady pace for your story.
Originality: -7/10
Same comment as plot; since the plot an author uses will reveal his or her originality.
Spelling/Grammar/Punctuation/Vocabulary: -7/10
Your grammar, spelling and punctuation are all alright. There are occasional errors but not too many. As for vocabulary, due to your writing style, I guess it is hard for you to show off your vocabulary. Do strive on. Examples of errors include:
[1] hurried for nothing (Chapter 1) – This is not a major mistake but it sounded a little incoherent. I think you should write that “we hurried for nothing”.
[2] Haha, if I am you, I'm not going to choose him. (Chapter 4) – It should be “If I were you…” since this assumption cannot be true.
[3] I like to play batminton and write during my spare time. (Chapter 5) – Spelling error. It should be “badminton”.
[4] Come on, how old are you to be making fun of people's name? (Chapter 5) – It should be “names” since there are many people.
[5] Her goal in life is similar to mines (Chapter 10) – It should be “mine”, without the ‘s’.
[6] The six boys turn around and their eyes widen at the girls' style. (Chapter 14) – It should be “styles” since you are referring to the girls’ (plural) ways of dressing.
Characterization: -9/10
Great characterisation! To me, you had included dialogues, actions and conflicts to bring out their personalities to a great extent. The different sides of the characters can be deduced and seen. I think you can improve by using more adjectives or maybe even adverbs. You can include more vivid verbs here and there too! Do strive on!
Writing Style: -9/10
Your writing style is like how playwrights write. Your writing style is rather personal and allows readers to easily integrate into the characters’ roles. What I think you did very well was that you clearly know the characters’ speeches and actions, thus, everything was clear and fluent. The dialogues were linked and coherent, with their actions. You had also used italics and the asterisks to show the differences. Great job and efforts! However, I think that if you are to write in this way, you will be less able to describe more vividly with more sophisticated phrases and verbs. Overall, though, good job!
Overall Enjoyment: -4/5
Bonus: -5/5
Thanks for requesting from our site! =] It is nice to see an author putting in her best to write her story, and present it in the best way she can! =D Strive on!
Total: -80/105
Revie for But No R
Story: But No R
Author: Susan Lee :]
Reviewer: th1rd3ye @ Dark Side
Title: -10/10
The title is brilliantly interesting! It is unique and will make readers feel curious to what your story will be about.
Foreword: -7/10
Your foreword is too short. Though you did include a summary and the characters with their background information, the foreword is not that enthralling. I think you can write a little longer, or reveal minimum interactions between the two characters, or name some examples of the weird, new things that Yesung tried, or include significant quotes said by the characters. Do work harder!
Appearance: -8.5/10
The poster is pretty and the font colour suits the background. However, since the background is another repeated image of the poster, I think it is a little boring.
Plot: -12/15
This plot of yours is simple but yet sweet and endearing. I have heard of the phrase before and read some stories using it too. However, you did have your own way of developing events and scenes which are not the typical dramatic scenes. Good job!
Flow: -9.5/10
Almost perfect! I just wished you could slow down a little to add in more details and elaborations.
Originality: -9/10
Same comment as plot; since the plot an author uses will reveal his or her originality.
Spelling/Grammar/Punctuation/Vocabulary: -6.5/10
I would say that punctuation is your greatest weakness. As for grammar, it was relatively alright, some occasional jumps in usage of tenses. Vocabulary used was simple but effective and direct. You can definitely try to use more sophisticated verbs and phrases to heighten the imagery and descriptions. Do strive on. Examples of errors include:
[1] "So, I hope you remembered that my birthdays in 2 days!" (Chapter 1) – It should be “my birthday is in two days!” or you can “’s”. There should only be one birthday.
[2] Wow, your not loud... (Chapter 1) – It should be “you’re” and not “your”. This is about Yesung being loud and not something in Yesung’s possession.
[3] That's how we became besties... (Chapter 1) – It should be “That was…” since you are referring to the past. You have been using past tense in the story too, so you should stick to it consistently.
[4] Whose nervous? (Chapter 1) – It should be “Who’s nervous?”- This is so as you are referring to someone being nervous.
[5] The sunset looked so pretty and I noticed that soon, it'll be 1 day from my best friend's birthday. (Chapter 1) – As I have mentioned earlier, you had used past tense throughout your story. Thus, it is only right and proper that you use past tense consistently. It should be “…it’d be…”
[6] WHERE'S HER PARENTS?! (Chapter 2) – Parents are plural, thus, you should have written “WHERE ARE HER PARENTS?!”
[7] He extended his hand in front of me and turned, motioning and he's going to take me somewhere. (Chapter 5) – Firstly, you should use past tense. Secondly, I think this sentence sounded a little weird. It should be “…motioning that he was going to take me somewhere.” The conjunction “and” is used to link two actions together. However, in this case, motioning meant gesturing. It would not make sense that he was doing gestures and holding you to somewhere at the same time.
Characterization: -7/10
Characterisation was pretty okay. For Yesung, his personality is revealed quite well. However, for Yoobin, her character is not that well-developed. I feel like I don’t really know her even after reading the story. There was no distinctive characteristic of her being shown. Only her memories and interactions with Yesung were prominent. Try to use more reactions, actions, speech verbs and also adjectives to improve. Strive on!
Writing Style: -8.5/10
The writing style of yours is easy to comprehend. The changes in points of views are clear. Your paragraphing was fine too. What I would like is that you can include more descriptions and details in your story, to make it more colourful and imaginable.
Overall Enjoyment: -4.5/5
Bonus: -5/5
Thanks for requesting from our site! I am a fan of Super Junior! =]
Total: -87.5/105
♥ Flair & Fleur & Key ♥ by: th1rd3ye
Fanfic Title: ♥ Flair & Fleur & Key ♥
Fanfic Author: th1rd3ye
Reviewer: xiaoxi
@ dark side (http://darkside-jj.blogspot.com)
Title: 9/10
I personally feel the title would look more professional without the heart shapes. At first glance, I honestly have no idea what ‘flair & fleur & key’ meant. I thought it’s going to be a tangled three-party relationship with two girls of ‘flair’ and ‘fleur’ going after Key. Nonetheless, the fan fiction developed into a romantic story, which I slowly grew to understand and found that the title is indeed suitable and unique.
Foreword: 8/10
I think the foreword is just fine, except for the way you introduced the Key and Eun Na. Even in a book, you won’t find introductions such as this:
♥ YOU
- Won Eun Na
- A famous and beautiful publisher
- Had always been secretly in love with Key Kim Ki Bum
The author would slowly reveal the personality of the character instead of just feeding it to the audience like you did.
Giving excerpts of your fan fiction, however, has successfully lured me into the fiction.
I did laugh though, when I came across the second sneak preview whereby the email was typed. I don’t think anyone would send a mail to your friend by addressing him as Almighty Key and therefore typing ‘To the Almighty Key’.
Appearance: 8/10
The poster and background gave me direct mood for the story - a little fluff, and definitely away from angst. It’s a really pretty poster too. However, please note that certain parts of your fan fiction is a little straining on the eye because your font is black in colour, which happens to camouflage quite nicely with the eyes of the cartoon characters in the background. I had to highlight the text in that area when reading.
Plot: 15/15
There’s only one word to describe - sweet. I thoroughly enjoyed the fan fiction which caused much laughter.
Flow: 10/10
The flashbacks and present are well presented, and the transition was smooth.
Originality: 9.5/10
The plot was fairly creative and original.
Spelling/Grammar/Punctuation/Vocabulary: 10/10
I managed to catch only a few specks of mistakes as I was reading, therefore it did not really inconvenience me in my reading experience. I seldom give out a perfect score in this area. Well done!
Characterization: 9.5/10
Key and Eun Na’s characters are both well developed despite it being a short fan fiction. However, I felt there was a little something lacking, which I can’t seem to pinpoint. Maybe it’s how Key and Eun Na are both well known figures and yet they seem to be free from the press and news? I haven’t seen them handling the paparazzi. Just a guess though, because as I’ve mentioned, I can’t really locate that missing factor.
Writing Style: 10/10
Your writing style is clear and easy to comprehend.
Overall Enjoyment: 5/5
Bonus: 3/5
I like authors who interact with readers and stories that can make me laugh :)
Key as the main character definitely made it a plus too!
Total: 97/105
Reviewer’s note:
Thanks for choosing me as your reviewer! I must admit I’m impressed by your work. It is really rare that I give out high scores. Your writing is well planned and easily understandable. Key (which happened to be my favourite out of SHINee) made the fan fiction even more enjoyable. I really felt like smacking Eun Na at times, though. How can she forget the scent of someone she missed so dearly! T.T
Good luck and thanks for requesting!
Xiaoxi, loves.